The Here and Now
by queen of the flying rabbits
Summary: Finaly updated! AT. In the aftermath of Pon Farr, can Archer and T'Pol's reletionship be salvaged?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Surprise, surprise enterprise does not belong to me etc. etc.  
  
Many thank to Kat for the beta  
  
  
  
  
  
He woke to the feel of her skin pressed against his back. For a second he was confused, then he remembered. She'd come to his quarters last night, breathless, confused. There had been something strange and fierce in her eyes that he'd never seen before. She'd tried to speak but hadn't made any sense. Her speech was wild and fragmented. Then he'd stepped toward her, worried, and she'd practically hurled herself at him and started to kiss him. He'd known something was wrong, that she wasn't herself. He'd known but it hadn't mattered. He should have pushed her away, called Phlox, done something. Instead, he'd returned the embrace, let her pull him down onto the bed, and lost himself in his desire. God help him he'd never wanted anyone so badly, and now he would have to face her.  
  
Slowly he lifted himself off the bed, trying not to wake her. He pulled on his clothes and stepped back over toward the bed, looking down at her. He was struck, not only by her beauty, but her fragility. He'd never imagined that she could look this vulnerable. She was always so strong and self possessed. But, as she lay sleeping, all that toughness vanished. He could almost forget she was a Vulcan. He felt a sudden rush of guilt. How could he have taken advantage of her like that? He couldn't bear the thought of having hurt her, or of having damaged the trust and friendship which they had built up over the past year. He briefly considered just leaving, going up to the bridge and putting off the inevitable conversation for a little longer. Now, looking down at her he knew he couldn't do that. He had to sort things out and make things right again, somehow.  
  
He reached over and touched her cheek, whispering her name. He felt her jolt awake and pulled his hand away. She sat up slowly, pulling the sheet around herself. For a long time she just stared at him, her gaze as unreadable as ever. At last he could stand it no longer. "T'Pol... Are you aright."  
  
"I believe so Captain."  
  
What was that supposed to mean? "Look, I'm sorry, I just..."  
  
"Your apology is unnecessary captain, now if you will excuse me I must return to my quarters. Our shift starts in twenty minutes." She slipped into her uniform while he stared at her in astonishment.  
  
She was half way to the door before he gave voice to the question that had been bothering him since he woke up.  
  
"T'Pol what the hell just happened?"  
  
She stopped but did not turn to face him. "We can speak about it later, I must return to my quarters."  
  
If he hadn't known better, he could have sworn she was flustered.  
  
  
  
***  
  
She was avoiding him, he could tell. All day she'd been the perfect model of Vulcan composure, calm, collected and hardworking. She'd managed to avoid any kind of contact with him beyond what was strictly necessary for her work. Yet sometimes he would feel her eyes on him. When he looked she would turn swiftly away and return to her work. The whole day he'd been more aware of her than usual. He couldn't stop thinking about her, watching her. He could feel every move she made. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could stand.  
  
When she came off duty she went straight to her quarters, slipping out before he had a chance to speak to her. He stood indecisively, looking after her, unsure whether or not to follow her. He couldn't face another awkward conversation like this morning; but he needed to know whether she was angry with him. He needed to know what she was feeling. Most of all, he needed to know what had happened to her. Her behaviour last night had frightened him and her reluctance to talk about it only worried him more. He realised that he really knew very little about Vulcans. They were a private people and he'd never bothered to try and find out about them. He'd always been content merely to hate them and remain in ignorance. He knew vaguely that there were occasions when they were unable to control their emotions but his knowledge was limited.  
  
"Captain?" He jumped as a sudden voice interrupted his reflections. He turned to see Hoshi standing beside him, a slightly worried expression on her face.  
  
"Are you alright Captain? You've been standing there, not moving for the past five minutes.âE?  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine, I was just thinking about something."  
  
"Are you sure, you've been kind of distracted all day."  
  
"Am I really that easy to read."  
  
She nodded with a slight smile. "So you want to tell me what's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know.. Hoshi, how much do you know about Vulcans?"  
  
She looked surprised. "As much as anyone knows I guess. Why? Is something wrong with T'Pol?"  
  
"Oh don't worry. Its nothing, forget I asked." And with that he turned and set off down the corridor, leaving Hoshi staring after him, puzzled.  
  
***  
  
He stood outside her quarters, trying to summon up the courage to enter. This was getting ridiculous. Here he was, a starship captain, hanging around outside his first officer's quarters like a lovesick teenager. If it had been anyone else, he would have laughed. Why was he so afraid? What did he think she was going to do? She didn't seem to be blaming him, so why was he blaming himself? It wasn't really a question of blame. Deep down, he didn't want to sort things out with her, because until she told him otherwise, he could keep kidding himself that she'd wanted it too. He could keep clinging to the idea that it had been something wonderful, something special. He didn't want to hear her tell him that she'd been under some kind of influence because then he would know that it wasn't real. But it wasn't and the sooner he accepted that and sorted things out with her the better. With a sudden burst of resolve, he stepped forward and pressed the chime. He didn't even wait for her to respond but went straight in.  
  
To his surprise, she wasn't meditating. Instead she was sitting on the floor by her bed, just watching the door. He got the strange feeling that she'd known he was there the whole time and had been waiting for him. She looked tired and worn. He could see dark circles under her eyes and almost feel her distress. If she had been anyone else he would have thought she had been crying. That was impossible of course, Vulcans didn't cry. In that instant, all his carefully prepared speech deserted him and he had to fight the impulse just to wrap his arms around her and take away her pain. Instead he stood in silence looking at her, trying to find the right words to say. In the end it was she that spoke first. The words were low and she carefully averting her eyes.   
  
"Captain I believe I owe you an explanation for my behaviour last night."  
  
"Yeah, that would be a start."  
  
"I believe I once told you that Vulcans mate only once every seven years. We have developed rudimentary control over our physical desires but this control is imperfect. Every seven years we are driven to mate. The need is overwhelming and leaves no room for rational thought."  
  
"T'Pol, I'm sorry, I knew it was something like that, that you weren't yourself. I should have stopped you. I shouldn't have let it happen."  
  
"I can hardly blame you for that. I did not expect you to resist, given the circumstances."  
  
"Are you saying that humans can't control themselves then?"  
  
She sighed deeply and said wearily. "I did not mean to imply that. I am merely saying that I do not blame you for what happened. You only acted as you thought right."  
  
He instantly felt guilty for snapping at her. She wasn't to blame for any of this. Of course when it came down to it, she was right, he hadn't been thinking, he'd let himself get carried away by his desire for her and hadn't stopped to worry about the consequences. In other words he'd just confirmed all her worst views of humanity.  
  
"No T'pol, you were right the first time, I didn't think at all. I shouldn't have attacked you for telling the truth."  
  
For the first time, she looked up at him, meeting his gaze directly. "You are not to blame. Pon Farr can sometimes affect people in that way. Besides if you hadn't responded the way you did, I could have died."  
  
"You what!! T'Pol what do you mean?"  
  
"If the desire is not satisfied, the fever can prove fatal."  
  
"So what, you could have died? Weren't you prepared? Don't your people have anyway of dealing with this?"  
  
"I was not expecting it so soon. The cycle can be somewhat unpredictable among the young. If I had remained on Vulcan I would have been bonded by this time. I did not anticipate the problem arising so soon."  
  
"But you still stayed here, even though you could have died? Where's the logic in that?"  
  
She didn't answer but continued to stare at the ground. Suddenly he couldn't bear to be here any longer, couldn't take the heat and the awkward silences and her evident discomfort talking to him. As if she could feel his frustration she stood up and spoke decisively.   
  
"I need to meditate, if you wish we can continue this discussion at a later date, although I cannot see how this would prove necessary. The situation is unlikely ever to arise again."  
  
He couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed at this rebuff. However he nodded and slipped quickly outside, trying to shake the feeling that there was something she was hiding from him. 


	2. chapter two

Ok so it only took me six months to update this *cough*. I'd forgotten all about it. I will finish it..... one day. Standard disclaimers apply Many apologies for any errors in grammar/punctuation, it hasn't been beta- d.  
  
***  
  
When he left T'Pol breathed a sigh of relief. It was hard to think clearly when he was around, she couldn't focus, couldn't stop the dangerous thoughts rising in her mind. She didn't like pushing him away; she had seen the look in his eyes as he left, felt his pain as if it were her own. But this was the best way, the only way if they were to continue working together efficiently. She sat up and stretched herself. She had to put this out of her mind and meditate. She needed, more than anything to be able to maintain control and dignity.  
  
But the longed for peace was slow to come. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face in front of her eyes, felt his presence always with her. Further interruption came with the sounding of her door chime. She could barely contain the flash of irritation which rose up at the second interruption and couldn't quite manage to keep the sharpness out of her voice. Hoshi entered nervously, hanging back by the door as if she couldn't bring herself to enter fully. "I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? I can come back." This time T'Pol managed to bit down the rebuff. "I was meditating but if you wish to speak to me about something you may remain."  
  
Hoshi wondered again exactly what impulse had brought her here. The other woman had rebuffed all her hesitant overtures of friendship. She had made it quite clear that she wasn't interested in forming bonds with any of the crew. Her presence was probably the last thing T'Pol wanted if there really was something wrong. But surely if something bad had happened, even T'Pol might need a little company. Surely no one could really want to exist cut off from the people around them. But T'Pol did not look like a woman in need of company right now, in fact she looked like a woman lightly to rip off potential company's arms and stuff them down her throat. But it was too late to back out now:  
  
"Oh it's probably nothing. I was just speaking to the captain and he seemed worried about you. Or at least about something. I just wanted to see that you were alright. And that he was. Because if there's something wrong I'd like to help. If I can...." She tailed off under the Vulcan's unblinking stare. They really did have a way of making you feel like a total idiot with one raised eyebrow. This probably wasn't the smartest thing she'd ever done.  
  
T'Pol replied in a voice that could have cut glass "There is nothing the matter with me. Your concern is misplaced."  
  
"I just thought, you might need someone, I mean you're a long way from home it must be a bit lonely. And if there was anything wrong....."  
  
T'Pol's head snapped upright: "I do not require the companionship of humans. It would be illogical." Her voice was just a fraction shriller than would have been expected in a controlled, dignified Vulcan and she seemed to realise it as a slight flush appeared on her cheeks and she repeated more quietly, "there is nothing wrong."  
  
Hoshi squirmed for a few more minutes before turning towards the door. It was time to leave before she made an even greater fool of herself. But just as the door opened and she stepped out into the corridor; T'Pol's voice rang out again:  
  
"Stay."  
  
It would be hard to say who seemed more surprised by the outburst, her or the strangely emotional Vulcan, now quickly backtracking:  
  
"If you wish to remain, you may. Your company....... would not be displeasing."  
  
Well it might not exactly the warmest of welcomes, but for T'Pol it was practically friendly.  
  
***  
  
Hoshi sat, cross-legged on the floor and watched the candle dance. She could see why Vulcan's found them so relaxing. After only a few minutes in the warm, peaceful environment she could feel her eyes beginning to droop.  
  
"You have some knowledge of Vulcan physiology I believe."  
  
The words jolted her back to wakefulness. Where the hell was this going? She nodded curiously. There was another loaded pause.  
  
"Then you are familiar with the condition of Pon Farr."  
  
Hoshi could barely stop herself crying out. Whatever she'd expected it hadn't been that.  
  
"So what, you're going through Pon Farr.... Are you going to leave, or can Phlox do something.... or what?"  
  
T'Pol looked like she wished she could take the words back. That or kill the listener. Hoshi had a sudden nervous recollection of stories she had heard about the violent tendencies of Vulcans going through Pon Farr.  
  
"That problem has already been dealt with. The Pon Farr is over."  
  
This statement seemed even more unwillingly dragged out and T'Pol had gone back to staring fixedly at the wall. Hoshi watched her, increasingly confused. Dealt with, how? The image of the captain lingering outside the Vulcan's quarters suddenly returned. Surely not, that couldn't be possible! She must have been talking about some kind of medicine. She must have.  
  
"The captain??"  
  
The faint flush of embarrassment creeping up T'Pol's face was answer enough. Hoshi could feel herself blushing in sympathy as she awkwardly looked away:  
  
"Well.... I mean, that could be a little weird but surely he understands. I mean you can explain it and it's over now. You know this sort of thing happens of earth all the time. Not Pon Farr but one night stands, things like that. It's not such a big deal really." These pearls of wisdom brought forth no reply. "What is it T'Pol. What's bothering you?" The silence stretched between them as the candle burned down lower and lower. Then T'Pol lifted her head and finally met her eyes:  
  
"I felt this building for some time. I knew my Pon Farr could not be long in coming. I should have contacted my people. Yet I hesitated. I left it longer and longer until it was too late. I didn't want to leave the Enterprise I did not want to bond with whoever my family found for me. I stayed. I decided that the captain would be my best choice. For when the time came. But I didn't tell him. I didn't go to him and explain my problem and make him understand what it would entail. I couldn't find the words. Again I left it until it was too late. Then when I finally came to him I was overwhelmed with the fever. I took what I wanted from him, from his body and his mind. I hurt him."  
  
"Oh T'Pol, don't. It's nothing to feel guilty about. He understood, I'm sure he did."  
  
"I'm not finished. The union was mental, not merely physical. When I joined with him, his mind was laid open to me, his thoughts and fears, his memories, every deep, dark secret. I saw everything. I violated him Hoshi, worse than Tolaris ever did to me. I used him and the feelings he has for me and I abused whatever trust there was between us as colleagues and as friends." She stopped and looked up again, the guilt and the fear showing for the first time in her face. "I used him."  
  
Hoshi spent her whole life working with words. She prided herself on her ability to communicate. Yet now, faced with a guilt stricken Vulcan, she was lost for anything to say to help. On impulse she stretched out a hand and touched the other woman's shoulder. "It'll be all right, T'Pol, I promise. It'll be alright somehow."  
  
***  
  
As the door closed behind her second visitor of the evening T'Pol breathed another sigh. Nothing had changed, she had still committed a terrible betrayal, she had still hurt someone she cared about a great deal. She needed to talk to him, to admit what had truly happened. To atone for what she'd done and try to salvage at least some of a friendship which had become more important to her than she liked to admit. She needed his forgiveness. But for tonight at least, she had achieved a small measure of peace. For the first time she understood why humans valued friendship so much. 


	3. chapter three

T'Pol knew that she couldn't put it off any longer. She had spent the day thinking of ingenious reasons why she should wait a little longer before telling him. Well enough, she was procrastinating as badly as a human and now it was time. She took a deep breath and began to explain. She told it just as she had done to Hoshi. Short crisp sentences summing up everything that had happened as concisely and coherently as possible. Throughout the recital she uttered not one word of justification or explanation. This was no place for emotions, he would hear the facts and judge her on them alone. The words washed over her as she watched his face. The friendly smile gradually changed to confusion, then as understanding dawned, to anger. She watched as his eyes hardened and sympathetic words changed to furious insults. She concentrated on keeping her face smooth and impassive. She mustn't reveal the pain which welling up inside her with every word. She must keep perfectly steady even as her heart was breaking. She summoned up the image of a flame in her mind and concentrated on it, forcing down the guilt and the hurt. He stepped closer to her and she found it harder to shut off the waves of anger pouring off him. For a few seconds she thought he might even hit her but he only grabbed her roughly and pushed her towards the door.  
  
"Just leave me." She did as he wished and slipped out into the corridor watching the door close behind her with a firm click.  
  
***  
  
Hoshi watched as the Vulcan entered the mess hall. She could tell immediately that the encounter hadn't gone off well. To the casual observer she might look the same as ever but looking closely Hoshi could see the slight difference in her poise, she was just a little less assured, less self-possessed. She beckoned the other woman over and gestured to the seat next to her. T'Pol sat down gratefully with a slight sigh. Hoshi felt a sudden burst of pity. She looked completely exhausted, the past few days had taken their toil on her. She wanted to reach out and hug her but wasn't sure how such a gesture would be received. She settled instead for the warmest smile she could muster and a cup of tea. T'Pol began to sip it slowly as Hoshi's curiosity grew. Finally she spoke:  
  
"So what did he say?"  
  
"It was as I expected, he was furious with me." She spoke quietly and levelly with no trace of emotion.  
  
"He may be mad now, but he'll calm down. You shocked him that's all."  
  
"I am not so sure, I have seen him overcome with emotions many times before but never to such an extent. Is the idea of mental contact so very distressing to your people?" The question was difficult. Hoshi tried to imagine someone being able to see into her mind and couldn't stop herself from shuddering slightly.  
  
"I don't know really. I think that the idea of someone knowing everything you are thinking is rather frightening. I know there's a lot of things that go through my mind that I would hate anyone to see, even people I love and trust."  
  
"Nothing is hidden from your bond mate. It would be like hiding something from yourself, or even harder." Hoshi almost felt a stirring of envy for the Vulcans. It must be wonderful to have that much faith in another person, to be completely part of the one you love for all time. Perhaps it could even make up for that lack of closeness with most people around you. No, she didn't think anything could quite make up for that. And of course there was always a chance that your mate might turn out not to be the kind of person you wanted to be bonded to for your entire life.  
  
"That sounds good. I suppose it would be easier if you could both see into each other's minds, it would make it, I don't know, more equal. But it must be hard to give yourself up totally to another person. I don't know that I could trust anyone that much."  
  
"But humans reveal so much to so many people. You make your thoughts and your feelings obvious for others to see. You seem to be able to trust everyone." Hoshi smiled at that.  
  
" You Vulcans are very suspicious people. "  
  
"It is dangerous and illogical to let people see to much of you. That kind of knowledge is too easy to abuse."  
  
"Sometimes you have to take chances. You're talking to me now aren't you?" T'Pol frowned slightly at that.  
  
"I didn't have anyone else."  
  
"I wish I could have been more help."  
  
"Oh you have. Something you said has given me an idea in fact."  
  
"What sort of an idea." Hoshi was curious but the Vulcan remained typically secretive and refused to tell her any more. As she left the room Hoshi was pleased to notice that she seemed a little more her old self and could only wonder what on earth she was planning.  
  
***  
  
Archer paced the length of his cabin, backwards and forwards, unable to keep still. His anger was still simmering. He couldn't believe it: he couldn't believe she had entered his mind without his knowledge; he couldn't believe that she had seen his most private thoughts and memories; he couldn't believe that she had known all this was coming and not even tried to warn him. One word just kept buzzing around in his head, "everything", she had seen everything. His stomach knotted with shame as he thought of more and more things he never wanted anyone to know about, especially not a Vulcan, especially not her. He remembered things he'd felt ashamed for thinking, stupid things he'd done. The thought of her calmly analyzing his character and life with that damn Vulcan superior attitude made him cringe. Worst of all, she knew how he felt about her. She would have seen every unsuitable thought he'd had about her, every single fantasy. He felt his cheeks begin to burn, how could he ever look her in the eyes again. As he was lost in these confused thoughts the door chimed. T'Pol entered, pale and slightly nervous. He felt his anger rise up again. How could she just stand there staring at him with such a blank gaze. He was about to tell her to leave again when she interrupted him:  
  
"Don't ask me to go, there is something I came here to do." He was intrigued despite himself and motioned for her to come in.  
  
"In a true bond, the connection is mutual. It is only right that I should give you an opportunity to redress the balance."  
  
She came towards him and took his hands, placing them on either side of his face. Despite his anger he still felt a flash of arousal at the close contact. He heard he speak a few words softly before being suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of intense guilt tinged with sorrow and regret. He probed deeper and was shocked by the rush of images swirling through his mind. The colors were too bright, the noises were too intense and he was overcome by the tumult of her emotions. Strange memories seemed to stand out; the taste of a fruit eaten many years ago, a vision of a tall, white building in the middle of a lake; an alien woman in bright clothing, her head thrown back in laughter. Gradually the visions became longer and more coherent. He saw T'Pol as a tiny child sitting in the hot desert sun; then an older child in front of a candle, struggling to repress her emotions. He saw her sitting through a dull lesson and her dislike of the teacher. He felt her barely suppressed excitement when she first learnt to pilot a ship. He caught brief glimpses of the many exotic places she'd visited in the earlier part of her career and her dissatisfaction when she was forced to remain on Vulcan for any length of time. He saw her first trip on enterprise and felt her suppressed anger at him and his people and at her own high command for sending her there. He was fascinated as he watched how her attitude towards the ship, the crew and the human race had gradually changed. And as he delved deeper into her soul he saw something else, something strange and wonderful which he couldn't quite believe. He pulled away from the bond and sat up.  
  
"T'Pol, will you tell me something."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Why was it that you didn't tell me about the Pon Farr as soon as you decided."  
  
"You already know."  
  
"I want to hear you say it."  
  
"I was.... afraid. I couldn't bear to ask, in case you said no."  
  
"And why didn't you want to return to Vulcan, why did you choose to stay." She shifted slightly, looked down at her hands. He could barely breathe, he needed to hear it spoken out loud, he needed her to confirm what he could scarcely believe. She finally spoke, so softly that he could hardly make out the words.  
  
"I didn't want whoever was found for me. I wanted you. I couldn't have bonded with anyone else after knowing you." He felt his anger fade away like it had never been. Instead all he felt was warmth spreading through him. It seemed too incredible, that she could really share his feelings, that she had really wanted him as he had wanted her. He reached over and touched her cheek, bringing her face up so that her eyes met his.  
  
"I'm glad you stayed T'Pol, I only wish you could have told me the truth."  
  
"I also wish that Jonathan." He smiled slightly at hearing his name on her lips and pulled her closer to him. She sighed softly and rested her head against his shoulder.  
  
"I am sorry for what I did to you, more than I can ever say."  
  
"We both could have done things differently. It doesn't matter anymore. We will know better for another time." They remained like that for a few minutes longer before he gently disentangled himself.  
  
"We should go now, my shift started 15 minutes ago." He sensed her disappointment though she hid it well.  
  
"If that is what you want captain." He watched her leave, letting her get half way down the corridor before stopping her.  
  
"T'Pol, just one more question." She turned around and looked at him curiously.  
  
"Of course captain."  
  
"Do I really have to wait another seven years, love?" 


End file.
